We all bring our painful childhood experiences into adulthood and if we don’t heal them, we get triggered when a familiar experience pokes that old wound.  I don’t do well with lectures because I was spoken down to and yelled at while demands were made to listen to the same repeated rhetoric.  So while I was talking with a friend recently and mentioned how I stay up late and get up late, I sensed my regret part rising when I saw his frown burrow. He immediately corrected my time table as being wrong and pointed out that the early bird gets the worm so I can stay dedicated to God’s purpose.  My being his senior, I simply said, “call me in 20 years because I’ve had five businesses and what I’ve learned is, I’m talking to God all day long and he directs my steps so it makes no difference when I lay down to sleep or when I rise because he is always with me”.  This friend of mine was also a Christian and could not understand my philosophy on adapting to the flow of Holy Spirit’s lead that could work differently for me. This got me thinking that some of my clients also get tripped up with regimen and knowing how to make time for the Lord because they too have been lectured at for most of their lives as to how  prayer life is to be done.  We were all taught to rise early for prayer and I just found that that didn’t work for me because I needed constant communication with my Savior,  so could it be that the implication of a morning prayer time has set people up for failure? 

I work with plenty of people who have shared that they have to have prayer time in the morning or they don’t get it done. This is my point because for those who don’t like a consistent routine or get up early before work with intention to pray or journal,  it makes conversing with their maker an all or nothing experience.  Anything that is black or white is a distortion and yet much of our church life promotes it.  I believe this approach to doing prayer first thing in the morning can set many up for shame and guilt cycles, especially if they wake up late or a few days go by and time was never found to designate prayer.  This has to be why some may call out to the Lord in desperation or others strictly read their Bible daily without any internal change towards the words they read. No wonder certain denominations are in conflict due to their rules and regulations that still hold onto the doctrine of doing and praying out of works, performance or willpower. When I first got saved I awoke early for one year and read my Bible for two hours before work by candlelight because I was listening to the guidance from church.  The following year I looked up the Greek and Hebrew meaning of words that often brought controversy to my parts who were being led in a literal interpretation of the Bible from other believers, because it was like a love story unfolding inside of me. I was dreaming like Daniel and Joseph and found rich meaning in the context of dreams and visions that made me feel misunderstood by many other Christians. I started to write my questions out because journaling was easy for me to stay in communication with God, and when life got busier and more demanding in different seasons, I had to draw upon the scripture that was sewn on my heart.  I didn’t section off my time praying to those morning hours, nor did I forget the deep connection to the Gospel like others warned me about.   I remained in curiosity to this relationship with him that felt like my life-line.

I saw how discipline among people who had strict beliefs concerning the word didn’t create a longing for it. What I learned was, that religion usurped freedom with power of the will to behave godly and that just didn’t seem appealing to me. I expected an omnipresent God to be within an earshot so I gave him an earful throughout the day. My morning notes were just a kick off to my ongoing banter with Jesus throughout the day.  Sure I may not have seen him, but I could feel when he was near especially when I was suffering. In fact, I mistakenly believed that if I suffered more, he was even more accessible, and this was a message most churches use to promote humility and to expect the worst, which is another distortion. I could rehash my injustices as if it were a job requirement to get his attention. I knew plenty of others who would intercede and be cranky about it, exhibiting martyrdom behavior because they were selflessly called to do so. I questioned that, it didn’t make sense to me that I would pray more for someone else than myself and still not feel any better. In some cases, I recognized that if I prayed for another person, it was a distraction from the very conversation I should be sharing with the Lord about my own needs. I was tired of being a victim but still suffered emotional struggles that came from an abusive upbringing that I figured God could handle. So I brought my struggles back up in prayer until I felt heard, which in some cases lasted for months. In some moments, he was the only one I could weep to, and I thanked him for understanding. My time was never separate from him so in every moment I sought an opportunity for a conversation. I would get ticked off and tell him about it. Heck, the very first time I prayed I was cussing, screaming, and shaking my fists at heaven, and then he answered me with salvation!  I still ask him questions and talk to him like any other friend. Some may be better at controlling a potty mouth but I trust he and I have established my coming to him as I am, is what he wants from me.

My savior is the only one I don’t hide from because he rescued me out of some pretty seedy situations that I still have to converse with him about decades later because the shame was so high.  On many occasion I have returned to painful memories only to witness him crying right beside me. Long before I realized about the many parts that reside in each of us, I would pray from the part of me that was furious, that felt different from the part of me that was angry, because I believed he could do more for me then I could do for myself. I admit it could be my slant toward negativity that has me in open communication with him all day long, but I’ve always joked that I need Jesus more than the average believer because there’s so many conflicting parts inside of me. Over the years as I’ve worked with other people who long to be real in front of their savior, I use my own experiences of inner conflict to encourage them to talk out loud because their parts want to be acknowledged. Arguing their different views with Jesus helps all the polarized parts within me to feel understood. I liken my relationship with Christ to Job in the Old Testament because even in his complaining he never blamed God.  He was angry at God and told him so, but he never withdrew his love or ended the relationship.  A lot can be said for being real in the presence of the Almighty and I believe he longs for that transparency. I even think I’ve picked up steam in these latter years to ask a question or respond out loud because I expect a dialogue will help solidify our commitment to each other.  Even when I’m not rescued from a lecture or triggering situation, I can openly express my disappointment to him about it.  And I do believe anyone and everyone else can do this too.

We are taught to practice prayer with an emphasis on first thing in the morning because we should start off on the right foot, but that can be a dialogue on your way to work.  The caution or warning that you might forget so you should get it out-of-the-way, isn’t encouraging a love connection to me. Simple faith seems like talking to him all day long as a friend. Sharing your shortcomings, growths, and excitement, the good, the bad, and the ugly, it all matters. I don’t truly think I have had a relationship where I can actually be transparent on earth because only he has seen my back stories. People can’t handle the truth, but he can. He gets why I do the things I do today to control my circumstances.  He witnessed the events that went on behind closed doors as a child that invited mistrust in others, myself and even him, and he gets it.  As I continue to talk to him all day, I have found that I am triggered less and that I am restoring the parts of myself that didn’t believe they could freely come to him as a kid.