Deep down, I have always wanted to be known, it is the reason I share stories about my life like an open book. It has finally occurred to me this year however, that people twist and turn what I say against me because of their own limited perception or fear, and it hurts all the more when believers do it. I don’t know why I’m surprised because the Word gives account of people betraying and abandoning those who ignite hope, but it makes the proverbial pill that much harder to swallow. My study of scriptures that highlight Jesus telling us to “ask for” whatever we need, was supernaturally connected with the infamous scripture reminding us to not cast our pearls before swine. I had to laugh however upon the ingestion of the footnotes and blot them out with a black marker because fear-based control really distorted the Biblical context. To me, it dripped with agenda written by modern day Pharisees warning of sin so recognition of their scholarly opinion would trump Jesus’ words written in red. I may have needed guidance on belief when I was a new Christian but after 23 years of coming up against agenda and interpretation from man, I use my own brain cells to determine if love is the foundation for any commentary. Unfortunately, what I have found out, is that most believers want someone else to tell them what to think where I don’t follow in anyone else’s footsteps that are incapable of being transparent or inclusive of others. Therefore I am asking Holy Spirit to increase the miraculous in my life without having to dumb it down for the sake of community with those who are content with less.

All of the accumulated snide remarks had reached its climax this past year which could have been the catalyst for forgiveness that seemed impossible years before. I would have codependently kept trying to prove my worth to religious groups but The Lord was opening my eyes to the power of love and how most organizations had lost their zeal for it. Maybe I was deemed dangerous by those who had something to lose, but I learned in 2021 what I was made of, and made for, and if I was misunderstood, “who cares anyway”, because I asked to love those who were unlovable.

I know now that most women will grab onto their husbands when I walk into the room and that church goers will tell me it is because of something I’m doing that entice men to sin. Because that sounds legit? Anyone want to address the lust situation prevalent on the land today and the lack of personal accountability? I have heard every reprimand and attack on my beliefs, expression of them, testimonies, teaching style and attire than most people could shake a stick at, and the rest of their cronies would pick up two and chase me with them. I was usually given a dress code or statement of faith that told me not to speak but when I questioned why, the only responses I got were, “because you bring up issues that we aren’t prepared to deal with”. So, I coined a few phrases in my repertoire that make fun of such small minded, petty, disgruntled judgers that I toss up to heaven when I really wanna wield them like a sword. One of my most famous quips is when I remind God that, “I could take their remedial inventory and have them rocking themselves in the fetal position over in a corner”, but when it gets to that point, my facial expression has already told on me and I have to scoot out of their presence and repent anyway.

Now rather than getting into the myriad of examples of leaders who grip their ministries with their fists and assume I want to steal them from them, I’d like to say that “I’ve already been delivered of my control spirit and I’ll be doing far greater things than taking your followers”. Trying to persuade them to focus back on Christ is obsolete at that point because the wrap-around-back to how I look, deems me the unloving, jealous one. I just smirk at this point because the call on my life won’t be understood by anyone who expects me to be boring or stupid or towing a line that they have drawn in the sand. What I have to keep in the forefront of my mind is not to judge their unbelief. The miracles, signs and wonders that I have seen are off-putting to the sophisticated, seminary studied types, even though I have gone myself, and when I start prophesying or praying for healing, the average church goer has to find other intimidated friends in the row to dismiss and silence me, or ask me to leave. Trust me, after I got un-invited to a party because I mentioned that my thirst for The Lord had eclipsed that of alcohol and the females determined that I shouldn’t be around that much wine (and their dates), I told them to cheers Jesus for me in my absence. I knew it was a twisted, pathetic attempt to insinuate I had a drinking problem so they could gossip and continue in their own indulgences, but as far as I was concerned, God set me apart.

People will throw shade at anyone who challenges their thinking and if they can get a group together that champions their agenda, they can even look as if they have “good intentions”. That is the way of the world so I’m not surprised, I’m shocked that believers succumb to it. Most would rather go on living in the natural realm and sprinkle a little Jesus on their cornflakes than develop spiritual relationships where change on the inside can occur. I know of so many charismatic personalities who have everyone convinced they are the best guys in the world while their families are terrified of them or neglected by them at home. Meanwhile I get labeled “a danger” to the congregants as I witness the women communicate with their eyes rolling as they usher their teens quickly past me. Seems incomprehensible to me that every accusation comes from another believer who quiets me because my faith intimidates them and is traded for another’s allegiance to their muted interpretation of the Bible. The rub comes in with my being the subject of conversation because I’m usually within an earshot to hear it, while they grab a seat next to some uninformed leader. Why would the world want anything to do with us when we play by the same games? I certainly didn’t want anything these pastors, ministries or deliverer’s had if they couldn’t take their own inventory. And yet, as I was hurting and broken this past year, Jesus met me in the ostracized moments and taught me what NOT to do.

He showed me that belief in Him wasn’t an elitist club who looked down their noses at others who were different from them. He gave me opportunity to pay attention to the others who were unwanted by societal church norms and He had me befriend them. It turned out that my heartfelt expression was too much and deemed me unrelatable, unless of course that truly protected me from settling for superficial spirituality? Indeed, that has finally become my revelation. I know best how to pray for those blinded by their pride, jealousy and unbelief while professing faith, because I have learned much about their lives by the fruit they produce. I no longer have to change me in order to be accepted by them, I can cultivate relationships with those who value the things of Christ that I share.

And I am always re-living the mysteries of the Gospel through my storytelling. I recently bought a new car and wondered about the significance of the numbers on my new license plate because The Lord speaks to me through them all the time. Coupled with dreams, I have interpreted many life decisions based on them adding up perfectly to bring me into anointed encounters. Thankfully the succession of 6 was just two in a row and I heard in my spirit to search Matthew 6:6 which was so comforting this last month of year 2021. Arriving in December and in summation of the myriad of christians who wanted me banned, silenced or dismissed from their affiliations, I felt blessed to be driving around marked with redeeming significance. It reads, “But you, when you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut the door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly”. Now I appreciate that because the very same people who have asked me not to speak or judged me through their limited view of God’s great depth, are the same one’s I have prayed for behind closed doors. If we are to be deeply known we have to get to know the One who understands everything about us, who will cherish each attempt to be more like Him.

I was led all through the scriptures that signify praying for what you need and expecting it and I found that to have friends I had to be one first. If I knew what it was like to not be chosen by people, than I could commiserate all the more with His suffering and love the one He put before me. To love much, I learned I needed to forgive much. Matthew 6 so humbly spills into Matthew 7 which became a step by step learning curve for me because I had been where my perpetrators were so often in my own life. Verse one through five states, “judge not, that you be not judged. for with the same judgment and measure you use, it will be given back to you. You can’t be a hypocrite and say to your sister that you’ll help her remove the speck from her eye if you have a plank in your own”. What really shook me however, was verse six because it says, “Do not give what is holy to the dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet and turn and tear you to pieces”.

I was grieved to tears because this was speaking about my brothers and sisters in Christ, not the world as the condemning footnotes would speculate. The deepest wounds are cut by those of the same cloth, either a family of origin or a surrogate family, which I had sought through believers. I took a deep breath as I knew The Lord was showing me revelation within my prayer closet about those most often misunderstood like myself, who will suffer because of the intensity and power gained by being intimate with Him. It doesn’t matter if some have title, position or got saved at age 7 if they are unwilling to spend time with the Father, they will be jealous of those who do. They could be running a church or ministry like a well-oiled machine and it be nothing but human effort. Notoriety knows how to feed simple guidelines to desperate people who are like the dogs and pigs, God’s people, but nonetheless those who don’t discern what they are eating. Settling for slop like a bottom feeder is not the intention of Jesus for His friends. Anyone can gain a following, that doesn’t mean they are anointed or know Jesus intimately, it just means they market a message well. Had I been believing all these years that something was wrong with me because the wisdom and instruction I had gleaned in private was wrong to be shared openly just because it wasn’t commonly understood by the masses? The sloppy seconds didn’t fulfill the hunger that my spirit sought because I wasn’t satisfied with the regurgitation of someone else’s knowledge after I had discerned my own.

Discernment is something the Lord groomed me into this year and it came by me honestly, for what I sensed, felt and knew was always in question by another who treated me with disdain because of his or her own insecurities. I had to lay down judgment, and honor them anyway. I had to ask for help from “On High” when wanting to use my wits and my fists to knock some people down a few pegs. I ranted and raved and paced back and forth over the accusations and condemnation that His children threw at me. But I got my breakthrough, I birthed a love for those I didn’t have fond feelings toward and I saw their worth and beauty for being so opposite of me. I know now that I am that pearl of great price because my Daddy in Heaven clarified it to me. My very birthstone is the pearl and I was born smack dab in the middle of the calendar year which always offers me two sides of a yearly story to dissect, the before and after birthday check points, this year signifying walking in the light for 23 years which is half my 46 years of living. I discovered that I needed more personal development with My Savior due to the mistreatment from His own, and it was worth every moment if it brought me into His presence.

I will not cast my pearls before swine nor give my holy revelation to dogs of the church because they aren’t ready to discern “possibility”. The contentment they have to live simply and powerless is a choice I can only hope they grow bored of. In many ways, ignorance is bliss but that simply isn’t an option for me. I want the more and pray, “More Lord” with every new dream, vision and curiosity. I expect to raise the dead one day because I take the Bible at it’s word and when verse 7:7 of Matthew says, “ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you, for everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened”. I declare I will do greater things than Jesus did. I trust that numerically, 14 means deliverance, so when the verse reads, “because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it”, it is speaking of believers like me who are willing to look foolish for the sake of Christ. I don’t want what others have, I want what Jesus wants me to have and I trust that if He warns me to not exert energy to be accepted among the many, that I will be set apart among the few who know Him intimately.

“Yes, they may put me out of their synagogues. Yes, the time comes that whoever kills me will think he offers service to God”. (John 16:2) I will let them because of the deep consequence I gained of dwelling in the secret place to find understanding that few are brave enough to find. Be dangerous and bold, forgive much so you can race ahead like wildfire with freedom, and love those whom He does, as few can.