I relate to many of my female clients when they share about the sexual shame they carry because of giving into a man’s request. Before I started doing parts work, I felt I had to give into anyones sexual desires because it was expected. Someone wanted something from me so lt felt like I was supposed to please him to keep him from hurting me or getting angry.  The last thing I needed was to be blamed by a man for not measuring up because it would throw salt in an old wound that never seemed to close. If I sensed danger in my home because my father was upset, I would go low and make sure that he was lifted high in hopes that I would avoid suffering. The problem was that his moods were inconsistent even if I was a compliant daughter or did what he told me to. There was no such thing as my being able to rebuttal or say no, and it conditioned me to feel as if my boundaries were nonexistent. This type of psychological conditioning felt as if I had no rights in any matter. As a child without choice, I had to endure the circumstances, and I was not treasured by my father nor protected. Therefore, I did not treasure myself and became preoccupied with seeking love outside of my home and outside of my conscious self . I had parts emerge within my internal family system that gave sexual services to anyone who requested them. They had no sense that my body was a pearl of great value. In those early developmental years, I had no connection to self leadership which was an internal gauge meant to be accessed for trust during decision making. Instead, I was raised to believe I couldn’t even be trusted to speak my truth or protect myself. Confused and submissive parts were indeed helping me navigate through moments where we were all convinced I had to go along with a mans suggestions for survival.

It wasn’t until much later in life and walking through seasons of sexual promiscuity and abstinence that IFS Therapy led me back to myself. The parts that had worked on auto pilot to gain loyalty from  those I slept with, did not align with my values. I valued purity , but my actions were weekend by the belief system of these parts who used sex to fill numerous voids and forget past trauma through repression of memory.  As I remembered segments of my childhood, many parts showed me how their role was intended to help and I befriended them to slowly start connecting to self who trusts in Christ for help. As my recovery from childhood transpired, I realized I valued my time, money, feelings, sensitivities, and beliefs because they were treasures that took intention to uncover. Healing my system part by part allowed me to ask myself how I wanted to be treated and treasured by both myself and others? This meant that my closest people could hear my point of view and validate it, not telling me I was too sensitive, overly dramatic, too much, complaining or discounting my experiences or views with statements like, “it isn’t that bad, just do it, or maybe the other person didn’t mean it”.  I had many people attack my perspective with those counter arguments as an adult and it wasn’t until parts of me healed, that I started to speak up. I wasn’t a little girl anymore and the old narrative wasn’t fitting. I had outgrown the need to fawn or freeze just to keep the peace.  Too many liaisons were a product of my giving in to get it over with so I could cry in isolation while hoping shame would cause me to change.

How many of you know that the critical parts inside who mourn cannot motivate us to change through their chastisement or negativity?  We change when we lean into those parts and realize they are trying to set up boundaries that polarized parts trample on through thrill, dissociation or other escape measures.  Both sides of the argument have numerous parts who desire our attention so they can be valued for the roadblocks or the bridges they construct for our protection.  Growing in self allows parts to exchange their burden, for emotional boundaries at a pace that considers your past injuries, otherwise you could get re-traumatized by pushing forward in plans to heal based on having no choice in the past.  Agenda from the inside or the people we have relationships with, will always be detected by the parts still processing the past.  If we are aiming for higher values, we will need to determine that they are worth treasuring in spite of people who have watered down our stories by limiting our expression. Those people aren’t able to support your pace of healing because they misunderstand the process of saving each part that treasures the details of your history.  Glazed over responses or dismissals from those who generalize inner-healing with steps or procedures will not be able to value parts work. They’re simple request for you to comply with being easy-going is at a cost to your parts boundaries which is already far deeper and more valuable. Explaining your views to a simple person just reinforces to your parts that your no doesn’t really mean no, because you don’t have to explain yourself.  Healing is not passive so at least surround yourself with safety in a group who is doing the hard work of defining values with desire for continuous integration within.

Most people will show you how much they value your truth in response to your truth telling. Either they will maturely engage in a conversation of curiosity despite differences, or they will withdrawal from you. You will have to hide your truth to partake in a relationship of keeping it simple for them at a loss of remaining true to yourself, and it will cost your parts peace that only you can give. Treasuring yourself means you choose you regardless of others resistance. True intimacy only exists between people who can let their no mean no and their yes mean yes. This establishes safety and security, especially among two people partaking in a sexual relationship. Without the need for either partner to persuade or appease the other on a communicative level, the desire to be romantic will be treasured.  This met desire has the potential to bring parts within each person to the surface where permission grants deeper healing that changes outward behavior and emanates love.  When safety and security is foundational in a loving relationship the parts within no longer act out or grab for fleeting connection and they can rest in the arms of their savior and partner. 

Matt 13:44-46 The kingdom of Heaven is like a very precious treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and hid again, then in his joy, he goes and sells all he has and buys that field. Again, the kingdom of Heaven is like a merchants in search of fine pearls, and upon finding a single pearl of great VALUE, he went and sold all that he had and bought it.

Matt 7:6 Don’t give that which is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, for they will trampled them under their feet and turn and tear you to pieces.

Matt 13:52 Jesus said to them, “therefore every teacher who has become a disciple of the kingdom of Heaven, is like the head of a household who brings out of his treasure things that are new and fresh and things that are old and familiar”.

Matt 5:37 Just say, “Yes I will”, or “No I won’t”. Anything beyond this is from the evil one.