You know you should have ended the date when he picked you up and said he had sex with a chic before they even left the house for their first date 40 years ago. That’s four decades of cherishing that rendevous, what happened to his marriage in between? He may have seemed like a mourning widower when you met him but trust me, the sympathy tactic is a common ploy for men seeking to satisfy their loins after a spell of abstinence. In most cases his actions will speak louder than words, but if his mouth professes vulgarity with ease, that is a clue to where his brain is fixated. Don’t let the shock hook you into sleuthing out a sliver of integrity behind his lip licking game of innuendo, this dude has a classic case of Pinocchio personality with some sensuality sprinkled on top. Feel sorry for poor wifey who had to put up with such perversion, because this type of lust is never satisfied, and it leads many women to my office for counseling. With awareness, you can make sure you never give these men your valuable time again.

I know, it’s not really what he made it sound like, happily married is a good pitch after she is dead, so listen to him as he brags about his husbandry. If he traveled 2 weeks out of every month she was a stay at home mom during that time and his allure to a pretty face probably captivated his attention most evenings while wifey was tending to her duties on the homefront. Little clues sneak out about the condition of his heart when he notices every female that walks by. If he was wining and dining clients while traveling to bring home the bacon, chances are he had eye candy in close vicinity. Notice his attention to detail of what a woman is wearing and his ability to describe every way her dress dropped just below the knee, “truly attractive by not being revealing”, and yet so stimulating to his senses. Let’s address the dismissal of male servers by ignoring their reach when refilling a glass but turning toward the female server and pausing conversation with you, to inquire about her hobbies. The best is when he gets her number through encouraging your connection, giving him access to a younger possibility when a reuniting is encouraged by him. Better yet, he seeks her company without you being present and claims innocence of wanting to know your friends. It isn’t so much a game to him as it is a thrill, to test your reaction and what you will not say something about. In his mind, all he needs is a “yes” on one occasion to justify his expectancy of continuance, limiting your ability to change your mind without him reminding you of granting permission in the first place. This is exactly when he will push your boundaries so he can increase his desires with a hint of dissatisfaction when you displease him.

And let’s talk the nitty gritty of sex shall we, because this guy will evade the truth at all costs when pushing past your NO in the bedroom as he promises to “go slow”. That poor wife of his, must have had to put up with so much shit for earning his paycheck. If I had a dollar for all the women who can’t keep up with the insatiable sex drives of men who use their bodies as a playground with disregard to anatomical exhaustion, I would be rich. A female body cannot withstand multiple sexual acts a day without physical symptoms, much less someone who endured trauma as a child where giving in to another was survival even if it hurt. If your dating has continued past the red flags of perverse language and you find yourself in the arms of insensitivity and boundary busting, you can always lean into the emotional disturbance that has by now accompanied bodily soreness, and limit your schedule to times that bring back your mental safety. It is important to be kind to you and lean into the parts that feel like an object of his fantasy and recognize if it is a familiar theme. Too often, those who have endured childhood trauma will satisfy the longings of others to gain value but unfortunately gravitating toward this dynamic causes further illness that is a psychosomatic connection. Being with a man who honors security will become an apparent need after engaging with someone who is incapable of learning the importance of it.

Should you ask him if he watches porn because he throws your body around like a gymnast without being able to climax, this guy will evade the truth at all costs when he says, “you’re my porn.” What you have is confirmation of being with a guy who thinks with the wrong head nearly 99% of the time without seeing it as his problem. The inability for him to “finish” falls under the headship of erectile dysfunction from masturbation, confirming his usage of on-line arousal or at the very least, being pre-occupied with sexual fantasy. As if you needed anymore confirmation, he is indeed feeding his perverse appetite outside of you. Offering a couple recalibration through semen retention would be an ideal suggestion for him to gain his stamina back and not rely on oral fixations that aggravate you to be his trademark in the bedroom. However, we know that for you to get the break from his need to be bedded for any amount of time over a week, he will commonly justify his allure for seeking arousal elsewhere. He is ok with being predatory and fulfilling his wanton and will blame you for previously going along with his soggy kisses and sloppy handling, ignoring the repugnant result it evokes in your body.

And that’s what it boils down to, a low caliber choice who can seem enticing for a minute until 50 shades of grey vibes has you clenching your legs shut and skirting far, far away from his existence. The caveat will be his last ditch effort when he superficially asks how he can assure you he is over his deceased wife and ready to move on. Be sure to hold back your laughter because you know he is trying to relate to your concerns while missing them entirely. He is clueless about how ridiculous he sounds not knowing that his sex-based control spirit has already become the problem between the two of you. He further exasperates his common thoughts toward women as he jokes about a performer who lustfully controls her audience from the stage, no doubt a real image burned on his mind if he has to drop that into the “deep comments.” This is often the point where your silence is for you to question your worth because he avoids the pause with an awkward sentence that is predictably emotionally inept. If he read your body language he would detect that you’re not buying the “widower, woe is me, I’m looking for love,” facade. But as he is pretending to make you his second wife by suggesting he is concerned for you, you trust your gut and make this the last time you endure his lies. If he even knew who you really were he would know you weren’t concerned with his ability to bounce back from the death of his “true love”, you were questioning if he was even capable of it. This is growth, this is a win and we want to champion it because the death of settling for old narratives has arrived. You can get through the shame of this whole encounter by embracing the disgust you have over your own desperation and you can heal those childhood parts who tolerated the seducing type in the first place. You may not have had choice as a child but now your spirit is awakened to what good company could cultivate when you choose yourself. The lesson was learned and now the bar is raised for a partner who both walks and talks the truth about what he believes in his heart.

“For the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart”. Matt 12:34

“It is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out.” Matt15:11