In seeing that I was failing miserably in my closest relationship I began reading up on cognitive distortions.  Repetition Compulsion is a distortion in thinking that seeks comfort in the familiar which is the desire to return to an earlier state of things even if the thought or pattern was destructive.  This cycle has been going on for way too long in my life and the pain it has caused leads me to believe that it morphs to rise to any occasion, because I seek to be filled in the present to make up for the depravity of my past.

If I chose a partner because his calm demeanor seemed like an attribute I could benefit from, I would fall back into the abandonment lie from childhood every time he lacked emotion concerning my needs.  His very strength I focused on wasn’t enough to fill me in times loneliness was triggered.  The response was my hyper sensitive reaction and his withdrawal.  On the other hand, if he chose me because of my initiative and his potential benefit from it, he could fall back into his core lie of being lazy every time I confronted him.  My initiation becomes nothing more than he re-living out a cycle of complacency and my loneliness re-emerging. This becomes a familiar cycle that the relationship falls into but nonetheless offers comfort because it reinforces the thoughts we have grown up with concerning deep lies.

I judged myself growing up and became familiar with the lie, “I always date men who are emotionless”, which re-iterated, “It’s all I’ve ever known so at least I know how to cope and take care of myself.”  I focused on the desperation of getting my empty love tank filled through anyone who was willing to make up for what I did not receive from my parents. To think differently would feel foreign.  To react from a new belief I would have to ask Daddy, “what is Your belief”?  The challenge would be to recognize the distorted thoughts as repeated negativity and take them captive, because at this pivotal point decisions for dismissing my relationships are made. 

It would be a foreign feeling to face the abandonment issue, take it to Jesus and trust He can fill me in that moment and every moment thereafter with acceptance.  A new hope for comfort would be made available to my emotional child within who no longer expects people to change for the sake of my existence.  The enemy is the accuser of the brethren and longs to keep me hopeless in a lie which blames me for my circumstances because I chose this type of partner.  In reality, if Daddy healed up the lie of my being abandoned, the need for comfort in familiarity would uproot a lifetime of brokenness and reveal what actually is working.

Repetition Compulsion explains from a secular standpoint, that we expect our partner to become the person who fulfills us or even heals us based on the unmet childhood need, but when they can’t we relate to the first time it felt that way and judge them for failing.  The familiarity of childhood pain feels safe because it is all we have ever known.  It taps into belief from the inner child that “I will never be taken care of”.  Staying stuck feels true and hopelessness is produced because we have exhausted all resources.  From God’s standpoint, it doesn’t matter what is going on between two people because He already knows that His love provides the answer, but we must get alone with Him to find it before proceeding in the relationship.

What I have realized is that 9 out of 10 people who have heard my personal expression and know me, want the best for me, but cannot speak outside of their concern for me.  They look at my situation and tally the facts, weigh my personality and give advice.  Consequently, I keep my focus on what’s lacking and having to change my circumstances hastily.

The continuous thoughts of, “my partner needs to think like me, or people need to include me, only perpetuate my dependence on what surrounds me instead of the parts inside me. If I need tangible proof of my life working out,” it could keep me in a constant state of striving and perfection.  I need to be the solution to my problems instead of believing others create them for me. 

I know better than to assume I know what goes on behind closed doors in anyone else’s’ life, because inside my own there are a ton of questions.  I want what others seem to have with their partners but how do they communicate, how do they keep from assuming the worst?

From what I have witnessed, few Christian marriages work as a team and fight off outside attacks very well.  I believe a couple has the potential to be so connected to Daddy’s revelation from heaven that they get sent out into the daily grind, get beat up at jobs and through mundane activates just to come back home and get re-filled with love and acceptance.  The capability for each person to pray the other through the storms of life has to be there or everyone would be divorced.  Yet, even as I hope for the best I know that I cannot always offer it.  If other couples seem perfect, I feel like a failure and that I don’t measure up.  The comparison factor really sucks and I want a clearer view from The Lord’s perspective on how to love myself so I can love my mate before I set out into the world.

My ex and I have been through deliverance but still came up short in knowing how to let the other process a new outlook on a personal relationship with God, much less together. Therefore my approach to learn patience and long suffering comes from a deep intimacy that Jesus has recently birthed, a very foreign but necessary surrendering of my ex-boyfriend’s growth from afar and without daily input.  I mean, if I truly want to be a woman of faith and walk out in the spiritual truths that are hidden to most, I think it’s time I do a 180 in my thinking and confront abandonment and loneliness.

I should confront why I feel relationships cause me more harm? I should confront why I am used to relying on myself? I should confront my beliefs on needing a spiritual leader as a husband and setting expectations according to the judgments of religious teachings? I should confront how the church has taught women that list making for qualities in a man truly lead into disappointment.  If I am going to stand by my man through all costs; infidelity, addiction, abuse or death where would the training for that come if not now?  I have seen many given over to these tragedies and not bounce back. How will I even be able to stand in the assurance of a mid-life crisis should my future husband have one if I haven’t met my maker beforehand in the secret place?

Curiosity is a huge component to my being willing to take risks.  I am definitely better off to have loved hard and passionately, than to have never loved at all. If I am to call forth things that are unseen and speak them into existence shouldn’t I expect opposition and doubt from every angle, or can I abandon that lack to pick up expectation?

I cannot give up on my partner even if he needs his space to process his wholeness.  In fact I would prefer it so I can lay down my insecurities that have disrupted his focus on healing because I always need assurance.  Am I guaranteed a return?  The ultimate return, finally the return of my own trust manifesting in the God who is the author of love.  For weeks I asked God for ways to pray but because I was in the midst of daily struggle, felt too drained to “press in”.  When a quiet time span surfaced, the heaviness of being “prayer less” lifted and my true heart opened to a brand new thing.  A sustaining thing that feels light and peaceful but goal directed toward both of our betterment.  I am able now to intercede from deep love during absence from my daily life with him and in the Lord’s presence. God has told me to trust Him alone and stop making mandates on a man who longs to figure life out for himself, because after all, repeating what I have done is a compulsion that isn’t working.