Narcissism is a real buzzword thanks to the help of social media defining it and bringing it to the surface. For those of us who are well acquainted with the term because of childhood upbringing, it’s validating to know that other people are becoming aware of their similar sufferings. Before I moved to the south, my quest for inner healing was often shared with whoever would listen, but unfortunately, my being vulnerable in hopes of them softening, only made me subject to further misunderstanding and ridicule. I had a lot of acquaintances at the local gym and would pass the time on the treadmill by sharing my personal stories with others. What I failed to realize was that talking through my problems with people who were untrustworthy, made me the object of scrutiny. Adding faith to the equation, gave many within an earshot an excuse to question God’s role in my life.

I am not where I was mentally when I left Maryland 12 years ago so I went to a brand new gym for a different mind and body experience on my recent visit back. I thought for sure this would allow me to avoid narcissistic people that I used to work out with at my old location. I was five minutes into my run when one of the key persons I had hoped to escape, got on the machine next to me. I literally had a part of me that brought heat to the surface of my skin as I tried to clear my throat and prepare for a reunion with a man who could slime a dozen grandmothers with his grin. My fierce part was blended with me and I allowed it to state facts about my return to help my father and not get chummy with this dude. The fierceness allows me to state problems along with the solutions that prove I am successful in my personal and professional relationships because it is well acquainted with gaslighters who suggest I don’t have that capability. Like clockwork, this guy asked why I seemed so hostile. I couldn’t admit it was his presence that brought on the fever so I lamely answered, “just family stuff”, to redirect from my standoffish protector part.

You would’ve thought that was code for a slap in the face because he took that dismissal as an invitation to pick up where he left off 12 years prior. He literally started stating, “Wow, nothing has changed, I remember you having the same issues the last time we talked years ago”. I smirked and picked up the pace to get as much out of this predicament as possible since monitoring my breathing in the presence of bad company has become a game with myself to offer control and empowerment. I loved the fact that I wasn’t triggered by his bait and that my parts allowed me to keep running without having to answer him. The awkward silence would have made me uncomfortable around him before and hence ignite constant chatter with more details, but I had no interest in elaboration this time. His pause in speaking only reiterated that he had no intention of sharing his own life because he was gathering info on mine in which to twist back on me.

Narcs cannot be vulnerable, nor can they divulge intimate details about themselves, they can only state accomplishments to remain superior. His bragging of working on the golf course and starting a golf school was repeated two times, as if I didn’t hear him the first. When I failed to exhibit interest, he issued the smackdown statement, “well I’m really sorry that things aren’t easy for you, I don’t have those kinds of problems”. I laughed out loud and retorted, “of course you don’t”. But he overplayed his malicious hand when he backtracked to a conversation I had already ended. My inner healing work has aided the parts that used to be manipulated, so they can now call a spade a spade, which this joker was. He was a fool trying to sound superior over struggle against one who faces it head on. Few can jump into psychological recovery as I have so misunderstanding my transparency for weakness was his mistake. I embrace my family for its struggles and the pain it causes me, but it no longer defines me. A silent strength came up inside of me, full of self leadership when I reminded this man that I have been gone for over 12 years and do not sit among toxicity because my life is elsewhere. “I do have to contend for my sanity when I am around others who have stayed the same, but their state of well-being is not my responsibility”, I said. It was clear however that he was unable to comprehend this perspective because little has advanced in his own life.

He was a golfer and a narcissistic womanizer then and it seemed he had picked up speed in those arenas up to the very day. His degradation was par for the course and allowed me to recognize it through a lens of pity. My smug part wanted to remind him of the time he shared that he had to, “wear a “cock belt” because he received a large penis from his dad’s lineage that he had to lock down against his leg”, but a smarter part knew he would like that too much.  His coy advances hit my system with shock at his vulgarity years ago, but I didn’t care about his motive then nor did I want an explanation now. His reemergence on the scene at a gym that I had a week pass for was proof enough that God was showing up in my life to confirm that recovery takes time and work. I am no longer shaken by abusive innuendos and being in his presence proved just how far I had come from feeling victimized. This dude could have been sent directly to me by Satan to aggravate me, but that part inside has “had a coming to Jesus moment”, and no longer seeks to correct people who are ignorant to my life and especially their own.

To stop the noise, I asked him where his family was knowing that short sentences would be his perfect, narcissistic reply. Sure enough, he said, “my sisters haven’t left our home town”.  So I smiled and said, “then surely you can relate to me because you and I are the ones who got out“. And with that I removed myself from the equation and finished my run on the treadmill across the gym. It need not matter what he thought I was implying because commiserating with his pride was easier than wasting energy or time explaining how high I soar differently.  I know that he is stuck in pretending that his life isn’t pained because parts of him work overtime to make him feel powerful, and I will let them. It isn’t my job to convince others that they need healing to truly change, it is my life that will respond for itself. People aren’t entitled to know the depth of us if they haven’t earned it and in situations like this, it’s best to just let them be.

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