In thinking about myself and believing I was un-wanted, I remember expecting everyone to eventually leave.  It didn’t take long to learn that I could shield myself from abandonment by being the first to walk away.  Sometimes I would sabotage a connection to see if the outcome was predicted.  For a decade I had sex for the sake of being held afterward. I was usually planning a break up from whoever I was dating because I felt I would have to leave or else be overcome with too much emotion and the only other out, would be to die. Death was always a safe bet but the problem was I hated blood. Since pills were so accessible I leaned on overdosing as a method to end life but before I would actually pull the cord on such attempts, I would break it off with anyone that required answers from me because it felt like ownership. I wanted a clean slate. Responsibility for another’s feelings was too heavy. It’s the reason why dating married men was easy while working is a strip club because I didn’t expect anything from them and I knew they wouldn’t require anything of me. I needed money and their dumb sticks controlled them so there wasn’t any need for me to respect them either. It’s probably why I didn’t try to connect when my ex-husband pulled away or took weekend long excursions, I felt betrayed so I just betrayed back and remained distant. Again, that “don’t feel others emotion” alarm came up because I couldn’t even handle my own. Eye contact for intimacy would have to be my choice otherwise I would weaponize it through its revocation to prove how honest I was at not being attracted to someone. It has only been when I share my story of in-utero rejection, that I realize my own behavior represents its ramifications. Nobody digs up the dirt of what was going on when parents conceive unless a haunting feeling of detachment from the child persists in her subconscious. I have a few clients’ who were conceived during their mothers mourning, domestic violence or an absent father and all three share how they never felt inclined to have their own children, they remove themselves from vulnerable relationships and believe they are better off by themselves, just like I had for so long. I guess it takes looking into another’s life for some of us to see a reflection of ourselves and be grateful that in this world, we aren’t alone in our suffering and that we can heal. Maybe we took different life path’s but the foundational questions of identity resulted in similar attachment issues that kept us longing and looking for security through self-preserved parts. Trauma can be transferred and I’ve always used myself as an example of that, but seeing how I lived out the effects of it into adulthood opened my eyes to how grave being un-wanted in the womb really is.