My focus on writing my book has made video snippets a fun reprieve from spending most days with pen to paper. Trying to manage time that gets caught up in the thinking process can be frustrating, but dealing with people as the alternative takes a lot of exhausting energy. So my latest adventure with getting seat covers put in my car, offered me a fabulous chance to journal my emotions and discover that my approach to getting something I want by going low, doesn’t always work in my favor.

This whole business with car seat covers is really opening my eyes especially since I’ve been reading more information on trauma and seeing that my “no” does not mean “no”, and my “yes” does not mean “yes”, because I have people-pleasing base control up to get the things that I want. That means I’d rather deal with my anger at myself after I act like I’m cool or fine with what others expect, need or believe, but it costs me my truth. I went into the mechanic shop with a lot of angst and worry because I couldn’t afford to pay over three hours. Once I said what I could afford I saw the look on his face and I got nervous because it was expressionless, so in order to remain cool in his sight I retracted because I wanted to seem light and airy, and easygoing. Right there I lost my confidence on standing on my truth and holding onto that boundary that said I can’t exceed this price. So I offered a compromise, “If you could call me at the three hour mark if you’re not finished that would be helpful”. But he jumped in to say he “wouldn’t do something like that to me he just wanted to know what my ballpark price would be”. He then asks, “how’s the dating scene”, and I aggravatedly snapped,  “it’s nonexistent thank you, so I’ll look forward to hearing from you when the job is completed”. My annoyance had escalated and I just wanted my huge attempt at finding agreement, to be found.  He called me unexpectedly early to say the job was finished and because I was paying per hour, I derived that I was going to be below my expected cost. However when he said that the balance was at the top tier of my offer, I started spinning downward. 

Being cool has never been it for me, and that’s embarrassing in moments when dealing with other people who I believe I have to impress. Maybe it’s authority issues, maybe it’s working a project together or just expecting rejection but I’ve even felt pretty “uncool” in a lot of circumstances.  When I was partaking in ministry things because my style was a lot more freedom oriented than theirs, I was silenced and felt very “uncool”, as if others adhering to the rules made them better? I remember being on Towson State campus and never really feeling cool around the kids that I worked with because they actually pertained to me as being stuck in the 80s because of my hairstyle. As if I can do anything about being born with curly hair?  It’s timeless to me because from the minute I was born, until this very day, it’s pretty much looked the same. Nonetheless I still felt very uncool. With the car seat situation I wanted to seem like I really was a worthy woman to get to know because I was being passive and vulnerable, saying something easier for the mechanic to receive so I wouldn’t be rejected. This was a slick codependent move and one I have rehearsed over and over again throughout my life; if he would deem me good enough to treat me well then we will both get what we want. We could meet in the middle, there could be a compromise. I’d be willing to pay this amount if he’d be willing to do this work. 

But he was already trying my patience with a backdoor way of trying to get a date and it was starting to encroach upon my façade of positivity. Truth be told, I don’t believe that I should treat people well when I’m suffering under my own mood which is why I judge myself as angry because I don’t fake it where others can. But I’m constantly trying to read others body language, facial expressions and responses to me so that I can match it like a chameleon. If I can form an alliance so they can’t infringe further negative emotion on me, I won’t have to deem the whole situation as bad. This is why I have vacationed with people I don’t enjoy or may not even know because if I can make myself adapt to them, then I’m a loving and good person. This is the unspoken undercurrent of codependency because the numerous parts involved can bring their perspective to the table until I am in tears. Resentment part will come up and reveal the anger to others and a hook part will silently determine “you owe me”  through the silent treatment  so the condemnation is felt.  All of this stems from dishonestly using my voice either exaggerating to seem cool or telling people what they want to hear and both end in hurting myself. 

Do I have fear involved when telling the truth? Could that be the crux of me saying “no” but really meaning “yes”, and then declaring “yes” but really screaming a big fat “no” on the inside? I abandon myself to allow someone else to make the best choice for me because I hope to go low and seem understanding so they will be good to me. However I get resentful when I see they take advantage and that grants me the right to “hook” them into oweing me. Therefore, judgement covers the whole situation including my choice, as being a bad one.  Foundationally, it reveals the dogma I’ve been conditioned to believe; that if I do good things, good things will happen to me if I do something bad I deserve to be punished. It’s an old record that plays in my brain on the daily because I have expended tons of energy pouring respect, love, and kindness into people that were empty tanks and it didn’t matter how much I kept filling they would just take and take and take until I was depleted. It is not true that you get what you give, if that were the case every circumstance on this earth would look different right now. Why do I do this? Why do I expect other people to do the right thing if I do them right? In reality though I expect them to prove me wrong. I expect them to fall into my trap and prove that I have a right to be bitter because I gave them the benefit of the doubt and believed my performing good, nice, sweet, patient or whatever, would be the same treatment I’d receive. Yeah I walk away writing people off flipping them the bird and say never again, which only brings on the floodgates of guilt. I most commonly respond from the age old messages that I was raised in through my family of origin, through the Christian surrogate family at church, and through all the strangers out there that I want to look cool in front of. The need to be excepted puts me in a place of always probing, always scoping who can I trust, who is genuine and honest because faking it for me takes so much energy that in my exhaustion I can’t fake my anger. This cycle has lied to me about my identity and told me that being angry is my truth and guilt comes in if others perceive that my truth is wrong. 

Maybe at the foundation of my continued suffering is that I believe most people can’t be trusted, most people aren’t good people, I expect to fight for my needs to be met, or I’ll have to overwork and they get away with under working? The jockeying for position and having to figure out how I will be safe, who can I trust without having to pretend for, is now no longer worth the pain which ensues. In recognizing that my anger doesn’t feel good anymore I have had to bring my parts into the awareness of intentional prayer. I broke out an old teaching from Wellspring Ministries that led me in the direction of forgiving myself for the anger over my choices so that I don’t have that same anger towards others. I had to cancel satan‘s authority over my truth which was obviously warped from past messages. I had to cancel satan‘s authority over my words because even though I was saying something that someone else wanted to hear, it was a lie and condemning both them and me. I had to cancel satan‘s authority over my anger because it was now running my show and it was deeply steeped in old messages. I had to pray something like this I bind satan‘s usurping of my thoughts, words and emotional expression and I loose integrity, courage, and kindness to speak over myself and others. I forgive myself for all the times in which my words were not in alignment with heaven. And I forgive all of those who were reacting out of their own childhood pain and misconceptions. With the knowledge that I have of most people being trapped little children in adult bodies, I can extend to them the same grace that Jesus has given me, and be authentic in their presence and not retract my disappointment just so they feel better. And realizing that there are so many parts and thoughts that go into why I do what I do, I subject all of those emotional parts to the truth that says God has a much easier way. I can begin by trusting that He understands why I think what I do and why I do what I do because he is the only one that’s been with me through every decision of my life, even the ones I deem bad.  He is still able to heal my perspective of myself and those I come into contact with. I can keep it professional in moments were business is paramount and I can negotiate in a way that is honest yet respectful and I look forward to more opportunities where I can grow in that area. And I expect until that is perfected that more opportunities are sure to come.