I realized as I was reflecting on my own disillusionment with dating and plutonic relationships that I always felt safer in one that was non-committal and never trusted consistency in another, but both were lies that told me to keep searching for the perfect “one”. It wasn’t until I heard a message that explained one person can have similar attributes and be attracted to over 1000 different people, that I realized the one I was really searching for was myself. I had grown tired of avoiding men like my father and would run in the opposite direction of women who felt mean like my mother because I subconsciously knew getting close would cause me pain. The undergirding foundation to my suffering however was the resentment that I had sown over the search for a significant other to re-create a connection with my parents that I never had. I have continued to long for attachment with women yet always seem to connect with those that feel exactly like my mother. It may go well in the beginning but eventually the claws come out and I wind up retreating feeling stupid for trying to re-create a happy ending to my original story. In areas of love I had chalked up my failures coming from choosing someone just like my father when in reality it was because I had longed to change him. In adulthood he has become the gentle patriarch that my soul longs for, however it causes great question and confusion to the little girl that is still trapped within. I have dated many of people that look different on the outside: new skin, hair, and eyes, all to be fooled by the same spiritual condition that they host, betrayer. My Judas was the original man who betrayed me. The other Judas was my mom, who continues to betray me. It has not gone well for me in many relationships because I harbor bitterness toward my parents who did not give me the acceptance and love I needed. Only until the pain of further loss opened my eyes to my own resentment, was I able to stop searching for anyone else to right their wrongs. Looking outside of myself for affirmation and safety was a by-product of not finding it in my family of origin, but now I must trust God and me to get it back. As I stare in the mirror I can now see that until I forgive my parents for rejecting me, abandoning me and betraying me, I will prolong deep connection with my self that longs to cultivate healthy relationships. So taking a well needed step back to pursue my happy ending, I am picking up a pen to paper assessment of my brokenness to lay it bare before my parent in heaven. It is time I let the two most important people in my life who betrayed me, off the hook so I can finally love me.