If I didn’t even trust Daddy with my life anymore, how could I ever trust the people He places in it?  My intimacy with Daddy had almost come to a standstill and it was affecting the closest person to me, my boyfriend. I wanted him to help me with life instead of the One who was much better at fixing things that seemed unstable.

This brings me to the continual process of having to work out my salvation and lay my circumstances at His feet. In realizing that all the expectation I place on my best behavior and the behavior of those I’m closest too, I must die to myself.  I will always let me down but the source of strength comes as I deny my own strength and pick up His.  In my many weaknesses I can rely on the word that is tucked away in my spirit and re-call the many battles that the people of God fought in the Bible.  Most conquered great feats only after running away from the “word” of prophesied miracles that Daddy already won for them.

For me, this daily dialogue I am maturing into is nothing short of miraculous, because it is raw and turbulent, accusing and convicting, but so intimate and worth the struggle that tests my resolve.  Some may not see my growth at all or deem me as someone who has so far to go, and they would be right, but I’m thankful that I can express myself and tap into emotion.  I believe that the attraction some have to my intensity is because it feeds their lack of it.  Where I long for help in the areas of “too much emotion”, others still feel my passion to spur them on because of it.  The problem lies within the great disappointments I have expressed to anyone who will listen.  My problems are often too heavy for many to carry and hearing Daddy’s voice for me becomes muffled.  Tapping into emotions is good if it leads to healing, but mine were looking more like I roller coaster headed toward a wreck.  I see that this has set me up for feeling let down by personalities that seek peace, because my combative nature is always hoping to be understood and reproduced for victory in their own lives.  I want to teach others what “I know” which is why I love high school teaching so much, but I recognize my natural tendency to pour more into students who give feedback and receive the words I speak.  When summing up my relationships since I moved, I’ve only grown closer to those who I feel invest energy into or appreciate the things I do. I function really well if another makes me feel safe and secure until they fail me in an area that only Jesus can meet.  With my belief being in my own strength, my following all the protocol, or working really hard to make others happy, I have hardened my heart a little more each time I wasn’t rewarded.

With the focus on, “having my needs met” in hopes of return from Jesus, self or others, I set myself up for bitterness.  I put Jesus into the mix because I see how I have dumbed down our relationship to become a give and take reward system, totally void of my dependence on Him for love alone.  If I truly believed that He heals my soul as I prosper financially, physically, and emotionally I would not have to be a martyr.  I would lay down my good efforts in hopes to reap a reward or to be recognized.  I would love the people closest to me even if they didn’t see things my way, accept me, or love me because I would appropriate that He alone meets my needs.  I could take my friends’ advice and see a bad situation as an opportunity for spiritual promotion.

I think we all need to recognize that love and acceptance have been stolen through childhood experiences that cause a breech in relationship with Daddy God.  Those who suffered victimization in subtle or dramatic forms have even more walls to scale when overcoming heart matters.  Neglect is the leading form of abuse that invites sexual and physical abuse.  Somewhere, someone wasn’t protecting us as a child and it became proving ground for the enemy to afflict and consequently demonize.  The worst form of abuse, which is emotional, accompanies all other forms of abuse, but it is the least likely to hold the perpetrator accountable.  Therefore, as we age we experience familiar situations and responses, much like the original one and the themes of our lives are ingrained with lies that thwart our identity.

Daddy took me to a childhood memory where I was abandoned so I could take back a misconceived lost portion of my identity.  Looking at the memory was painful, torturous because of the view my inner child saw, but as an adult I pressed forward because carrying the effects of that trauma were no longer working.  I was judging every action and conversation with my boyfriend through those distorted lenses.  I fell miserably when I thought the job I judged as being “taken from me” was a continuation of that same distortion. Seeing Jesus in the midst of a powerless memory has now made that same memory a source of victory.  A very bad thing that reaped a harvest of destruction over a lifetime has now miraculously become a source of revelation that has the potential to dismantle every other familiar, negative feeling in my future.

This is not an easy process, nor is it easier to walk out when you’re in a relationship with someone.  To acknowledge that inner healing must be sought after, is the first step to a series of steps toward recovery from demonization and victimization. I don’t know how other couples do it but I have not fared well.  My abandonment as a child lures me into reactive responses all the time when I feel alone in decision making.  But for many reasons, you can’t always depend upon your partner to hold your hand through it.  I wish I would have been a little easier on my boyfriend and his process, but the longing for my needs to be met often fell into his lap because I foundationally believed that Jesus abandoned me way before I even met him.  Relationships are hard enough without the added need of renewing the mind as individuals.