My scientist friend shared she was feeling inadequate after completing her PhD because she didn’t pursue publication of her research, in essence she was being bullied by a cluster of parts within her system. These parts who remind her of inadequacies encompass the bully, critic, failure, less than, angry, depressed and fighter parts. They often polarize with sympathy and codependent parts but today they were solely stealing her joy of accomplishment to make her believe she was a fraud.

Now in Christian circles we have streams of inner healing that weigh in heavy on breaking agreement with vows and curses which then allows an affirmation to replace it. I get the premise but I have studied 13 different ministry approaches and that one is my least favorite, and hers’s why. A spirit of religion will always show its hand as it’s smacking you in the face for attention, as if to say, “pay attention, my way is right”. That classic demand on fixing yourself quickly will always have a need to be right and make sure you are doing it right. I find any solution that denies the reason why a behavior happens, isn’t going to bring lasting effects or peace. To me it is like saying to someone, “stop doing that because it bothers me”, instead of seeking understanding about why that person behaves badly. I don’t keep company like that anymore. Once I started realizing that my emotions surface because they represent parts of an internal family system within my spirit, I stopped appeasing formula based ministries that coined a mantra for healing. There are no 5-step programs or specific words that will be the catch all for every single person because our brains were created to be complex on purpose. God has designed our brains to perceive pain both emotionally and physically, as threats of danger, so we will bring the issue to Him through a conversation and un-pack the trouble. IFS Therapy is an opportunity to bring a belief about ourselves that we judge and ask it why it behaves badly so we hear its side of the story.

Once we understand that the part has good intentions but is responding out of pain from the past, we offer it a chance to release the burden it has been carrying through history on our behalf. That understanding piece is pivotal to true transformation. Without it, the part will keep playing out its role within your system and often acts out worse. Our parts each have a personality that hold toxic thoughts which manifest emotionally and cause us to judge it. If we tell them to basically “shut-up” by breaking agreement with them and covering it up with a impersonal platitude, that is like the religious slap in the face. Each emotion needs to be addressed through empathy to avoid it feeling excommunicated or dismissed because that familiar rejection is what we do relationally with others. The goal is that our relationship to SELF be a representation of Holy Spirit guiding us into choice. Without choosing to get to know someone or our internal self we just go through the motions. Nobody wants to feel unheard by being quieted, especially the innermost parts of us we long to change. Change that is lasting only comes through relationship.

That is where I finally stopped seeking advice or utilizing a revelation from someone else and started looking inside myself for solutions to patterns that weren’t bringing me closer to Jesus. In my practice I gained deep respect for the myriad of parts represented with my clients, for it showed me just how intricately we are designed as individuals. In haste we can assume that breaking agreement is stopping a behavior or thought in its tracks before it becomes that runaway train, but our parts won’t receive the good stuff we want to place on top of them because connection was broken. The same is true when we pray blanket statements thinking it is the perfect action to take against a part of is we deem faulty. There is always a reason why we do what we do even if it is counter to our Christian culture, which is why God gave us a brain and a heart to utilize together. Knowing who we really are inside will liberate us from judging and misunderstanding our mistakes as identity markers that need to be purged. When we connect to The Father as Jesus did, real miracles unveil the heart of parts that we dislike about ourselves that we think is the problem. The real problem is thinking that our feelings will just go away when we don’t know what to do about them. As I responded to my client, you don’t have to disagree with things that upset you, you just have to be open to their intention to help you.

“That seems difficult and I am with you in spirit as you face these things. I wonder if the parts that are judging your accomplishments are trying to remind you of unseen potential? Perhaps their intention is to help you see that God has more in store for you, but unfortunately they are acting out in the only ways they know how? Jot some of these front and center feelings because they may be trailheads to connect with unknown parts and in the moment ask all of them collectively to give you some space after you have thanked them for showing up. I am asking Father God release the judgment of these parts so that they are quickened to unburden. I relate so much to you and will always share whatever revelation I gain because your brain is so remarkable and I want you to know that. You are not a quitter nor a fraud and I hope we can get understanding from those parts who believe that. In the meantime ask Holy Spirit to give you a scripture that you can repeat to combat the negative thoughts that inundate. I am proud of you and am in awe of all you have accomplished through Christ because it is His wisdom that reflects through you!